update healthy discussion guidelines
Consolidate, deal with user-honor on wiki vs slightly different https://community.snowdrift.coop/t/discussion-guidelines-suggestions-beyond-the-code-of-conduct/551 related #46
move some of user-honor, reframe to fit with the updated docs that are less "honor" focused
Go through these notes to consider adding stuff:
- use of hashtags like #picky or #meta or #personal etc etc. to show self-awareness and context of how a comment should be read
Summary points from Non-Violent Communication (NVC) https://medium.dave-bailey.com/the-essential-guide-to-difficult-conversations-41f736e63ccf seems the best summary with really actionable points.
https://www.gnu.org/philosophy/kind-communication.html (great stuff overall, maybe even inspire tweaking the CoC)
Sociocracy 3.0 stuff has good concrete guidelines for wordings and interaction! Things like Driver statements and more, and the ideas around concerns being considered to be gifts to appreciate…
Using welcoming and inclusive language Being respectful of differing viewpoints and experiences Focusing on what is best for the community Showing empathy towards other community members
we want to avoid Fundamental Attribution Error… (add to user-honor) also take growth mindset for self and others
don't dominate conversations; ask questions (form things as questions); invite and encourage others; Exercise consideration and respect
- people owning their feelings by using "I" statements to express them, instead of "you do X" statements, or presenting their feelings as though they are group consensus or common sense
- people expressing what they need out of the situation, instead of making demands about what the group "should" do
- sharing about one's vulnerabilities, instead of trying to establish dominance
Importance (in honor stuff) of optimism and of having high expectations of people (e.g. https://www.npr.org/programs/invisibilia/378577902/how-to-become-batman?showDate=2015-01-23 and https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/09/07/644530036/watch-can-you-affect-another-persons-behavior-with-your-thoughts ) — AGF is more likely to bring OUT the best good faith and effort in others etc.
(honor stuff) aim for brevity; provide tldrs! otherwise make skimmable and well-structured via stuff from style-guide (bold keywords or sentences, headers, punctuation, footnotes etc. (and still reduce all this need by just being shorter).
don't put words in others' mouths; no right to speak on others' behalf unless they've invited it
don't make appeals to popularity or assume others' knowledge (e.g. appeals to common sense)
Describe and own your own feelings when emotion is involved
make sure honor stuff has strong emphasis on Growth Mindset (maybe add footnote link?) and critiquing behavior not people
Something about being thoughtful about WHO the messenger is (get help from neutral facilitators, volunteer to be one when you can be neutral, identify clearly your own connections / conflicts-of-interest; recognize that most people do take messages differently from different messengers and we have to deal with that reality)
Conversations are not contests
own your emotions (they are not others' responsibility)
friendly and patient
Remember differences in native language
compassion, unconditional positive regard, and emotional labor we want those ideals in honor stuff— call to do emotional labor but recognize that it is real labor we don't demand of people etc. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unconditional_positive_regard
note user-honor side things about not dominating conversations, encouraging others etc.,
Do use our retort reactions and appreciate-button etc.
general concept about actively seeking out new perspectives, listening and learning to understand others, anthropology… really understanding, knowing the ins and outs of various perspectives (whether you agree or not)
make sure we emphasize respect for people's various backgrounds and identities (good spot for M&E comic about advice, you're not me…)
maybe get into the level of deference to people's requests for e.g. names or pronouns and the issues with that
general rule: "whoever is feeling the most emotion talks first (and maybe extra time for it if needed and available)" — not a fair rule per se, but pragmatic, says nothing about what happens after, but to to succeed at communication, this deference makes sense. It shouldn't be used to reward people for over-the-top emotions, but just we have to deal with the situation.
describe constructive criticism in the form of suggestions, and use the term, as in "Here's a suggestion:" or "May I make / would you like… a suggestion?" or similar…
in cases of tension, take any chance to have as close as possible to real face-to-face communication (webcams don't accomplish eye contact unfortunately); assure that working on the tension is not a threat to the core relationship (stability and mutual trust in the relationship itself makes all conflict resolution easier and reduces defensiveness)
Cognitive Behavior Therapy: see the best resources about this, maybe list/link to lists of cognitive distortions etc
Principle of Charity: interpret statements in their best, most reasonable form (not worst or most offensive). (Different from assuming anything about intent, but may have similar issues…)